I just pynch a tree in the face
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
