So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You are the jesus of drinking
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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