The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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