Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
