Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
