Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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