the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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