i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
