now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize