just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
