Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
