Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
This is not my ceiling
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
