well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
