I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
