did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
