You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
