I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
