Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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