You can't motorboat a personality
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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