The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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