why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
