I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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