No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize