I heard we made out
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Randomize
