i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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