How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
