Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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