I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
