New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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