My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
