I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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