i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Randomize
