there's paper in my vomit.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
