my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I would fuck him just for his dog
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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