I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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