Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
