I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
