i think my tv is drunk
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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