dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
