oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
