I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
