god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Randomize
