Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
