Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I touched a dick in church today
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
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