chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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