I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Randomize
