This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
