I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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