I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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