so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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