Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
