I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
