My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
