I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
