Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
