I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
