If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
