every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
