I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
